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After years of research, a team of Georgetown University scientists have discovered what many believed did not exist - the five dollar pitcher. Their findings were announced yesterday at Shooter McGee’s Tavern outside of Washington, D.C.

“This is a great day not only for the scientific community, but for humanity in general,” said Dr. Hubert Farnsworth, downing a mug of Pabst Blue Ribbon. “The discovery of the five dollar pitcher will surely benefit all mankind.” Farnsworth then proceeded to purchase a round of pitchers for his colleagues.

The pitchers were found after the scientists had scoured 110 drinking establishments in the greater D.C. area with no luck. The University had threatened to cut the department’s funding if they did not locate the pitchers within the next week, and the team was getting worried. “Our experiments had taken us from Houlihan’s to T.G.I. Friday’s and back - with no results,” said Dr. Karen Schantz. “The five dollar pitchers were proving as
elusive as the rare red-petaled Glycyperha of the Amazon rainforest.”

Luckily, the scientists developed a program which calculated the probability of finding cheap beer in a certain area. After entering data into their computers, they were instructed to check out Shooter McGee’s, a bar frequented by Georgetown University students. “The computer figured out what we could not,” said Farnsworth, “that where there’s college students, there’s going to be cheap alcohol.”

Farnsworth and his colleagues plan on celebrating their discovery over the course of the next few nights with beer pong tournaments and half-priced shots. Said Dr. Schantz, “This is truly one for the history books - right up there with Salk’s polio vaccine and the discovery of fire.”